As I transitioned to motherhood I noticed my circle of friends start to dwindle, rapidly. I get it. Some friends weren't at the same place in life and weren't eager to catch up, either. I respect that. Life happens...but I definitely was not prepared to lose some of the closest friends I had from my "pre" baby life. Nobody prepared me for what the transition would be like and honestly, I was suffering from prenatal anxiety and did not realize it until it spiraled (much later) into postpartum anxiety...and depression.
"Friends" don't get it. REAL friends do.
I never wanted to have to explain myself, but almost a year later, I feel confident sharing this with my readers because it's empowering and it just needs to be said:
I almost died twice during my transition to motherhood. The first was after a tumultuous labor and internal infection (that seldom people were aware of at the time). This meant that my first TWO months of motherhood were filled with pumping almost every hour (because my supply had depleted), having my incision torn open so it could be "packed" every two days, taking prescription medications that would not allow me to drive or operate a vehicle and a very cranky, hungry and tired baby. She never wanted to leave my side. Car trips were impossible- even 15-minute trips to the doctor were a nightmare. I was in excruciating pain on the days I went to get my bandage re-packed because I had to drive my SELF to the doctor alone my newborn. This meant no pain meds. I had an open wound on my abdomen for 8 weeks until they were sure the infection had cleared. It was a trauma that I wish upon no one.
The second time, I almost became a statistic. I got in my car knowing my baby was safe at home and that I would find the closest bridge. I couldn't handle it. I felt the pressure of trying to please "friends", the stress of having a newborn, not feeling well and being in constant pain. God was with me that day and every day, for that matter. Did my "friends" ask how I was doing in that regard? Did my "friends" pick up the phone or visit? No. No, they did not.
"Friendships" just weren't worth it anymore. Why? Why did I need to explain myself if they weren't willing to pick up the phone? Instead, let's have a 'text war' because that's SUPER mature (*cue sarcasm*). Guess what?!? I don't have time for that sh*t anymore, either. So, I needed to let those "friendships" go. I let them go with love, but it still hurts, nonetheless.
In honor of keeping it completely REAL, here's an entry I posted on social media nearly two years ago. I still stand by EVERY SINGLE WORD:
"Friends, I have a newborn. I breastfeed on demand. My personal wants/needs are insignificant compared to those of my child. I will always place her needs before you. If you can accept that, wonderful. If not, we can part ways here. I'm a mother now, and for those of you who are mommy friends, you totally understand where this is coming from. For those of you who are not, you will understand someday. I simply ask that you be kind, be blessed, and if here is where we need to part ways, I can let you go with love. She is more than worth it, and always will be. "-Danielle Renee